A conversation with Clarity…


Bit of a nostalgic entry this week. A reflection some may call it! I call it a realisation with a humerous twist. I’ve known this week was coming for a while now, however when it actually came round it completely took me by suprise. So there I was having welcome drinks with my new head when she asked how long I’ve been at jkr for. “Why I believe ’tis about a year my good woman” I acutely responded, in that posh, demure way with which I always speak. 😉 My boss Katie replied “What was the exact date it March you started again?” “March the 15th of course! Oh wait…thats today!” Shock horror I know. I know you can just hear the sharp intake of breath from everyone around the table, see their eyes bulging and everything (thats you Meg)! So we all had a little cheers, medium wave and celebration to me and I sat back smugly, acting like a proper wise old timer when really I was thinking to myself “bloody hell! How in gods name could that year go any faster?”

Because seriously! All in all the VERY FEW years I have walked this earth, of all the years I thought would be the longest, the last one would be it, but in actual fact I think it has been the fastest year yet. Is that what happens when you get to your quarter of a century? Years speed up to double the pace? Bit unfair, let me savour the moment! Of course that completely span me out and got me thinking. Where has this year gone, what have I succeeded in and how much exactly had changed since this time last year? Many of you will of course know the answer to that one. My memory of this time last year has been forcefully and perminantly pushed to the back arse of beyond in my mind however I think around this weekend in March 2010 I will find myself buried with my head in my hands, sat outside my cousins flat on Dalston lane on all my bags of belongings I managed to take and yank all the way from Kingsbridge road with me,  next to the bins, which were flapping a bit too extremely for my liking in the gale force winds, I had 1 small inadequate coat on and was waiting shivering in a state of zombie nation for him to come home so I could ask “Ian…would it be ok if I stayed here a while? I’ve got nowhere else to go.”
    What a sorry state of affairs that day was! But I’m afraid thats another story for another time! What I want to focus on now is how everything has just literally fallen into place since that day.

Obviously, as this blog is clearly showing, I have been giving everything a big deep think this evening (thanks for that Jen!) I mean my mum thinks I’m an alcoholic for a start. “I was married with a home when I was your age Nicola” and what do I have to show for it? A maxed out bank balance and a rotting liver. I was beginning, before tonight, to think about maybe calming down a bit, acting my age. I mean this weekends antics didn’t help. I think I had a moment of clarity on Saturday, where I really felt someone was looking down on me from above, all judgemental and saying “When are you going to sort yourself out Nicola Lucas! Look at you down there. Your on your hands and knees at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon vomming into the devils rotted arse toilet in the Clapham high street branch of Nandos. You absolute moron! I mean what are you doing now? Panicking that the people waiting impatiently outside will think the skids down the pan are going to be yours? No..don’t you clean that, oh god, shes cleaning it herself and its not even hers – I think their more concerned that you’ve been very vocally spewing Friday nights rum and Margaritas all over the floor for the past 20 minutes!” (don’t worry this was all achieved BEFORE I ordered my half a bird. I had to make room for it somehow! I really was having a bad time, thanks Cozza.
   So all this clarity really got me thinking – Nic. You’re a plonker and your mothers right. At my age I should be like some of my other friends (Karen). Interested in Mortgages, savings accounts, careers and god forbid the dreaded 6 letter word ‘babies’. You know, really start making a life for myself! I can’t even afford to splash out on a piece of meat on a Sunday, let alone check the properties in my local area, and until I said last night “Goo I’ve been at JKR an entire year today, arent I cool!” and relived the past 12 months of my life I was seriously thinking of packing it all in and becoming a saint.
   But then tonight I was walking home and enjoying my usual 35minute stroll along Camden Road with nothing but the music in my ears and the demented thoughts in my spazzy little head when again clarity struck again and this time he was a lot more comforting. I think it was just after Dashboard Confessional came onto shuffle and whereas a year ago I’d keep it on and go “This song is all about me!!” and take a glum moment to be completely depressed, tonight I burst out laughing (I really did I scared a few 12 year old lads at the bus stop and I’m not even making that up) and thought “This songs a whiney load of shit, what was I thinking being warped by this shoddy emo nonsense” and flicked it to the next song which was again, NO JOKE – Eye of the Tiger, and yes I kept it on for 2 minutes before shuffling on again because I needed to feel the power. Stalone power ya muthas! Then I thought…ah sod it. I had a GASH time last year and I’m just making up for it. I bloody deserve it. I’m reliving first year of uni, the best year of my life. Many of you will back me up here when I say I spent the best part of that year rolling round the floor of the razz,  jumping in the moat and running about making every effort to be the loudest, drunkest, most annoying person at the party and I had the absolute best buggar of a time doing it. I never stopped smiling that year and in the last 6 months I’ve felt exactly the same. So give me a break! I just want to cheer life up a bit and make the most of my situation right now, having no one to answer to and no real commitments in life. Judging by the speed of last year, I’ll be 30 by July and I’ve got plenty of time to settle down, chill the hell out and crack open a tetley tea. Right now I am revelling in being a complete and utter DOUCHEBAG. So its Craigs leaving party tomorrow, Jacky boy’s on Friday (nooo sob sob!!!) then I’m in Liverpool with the bitches that broke my arm on Saturday (jesting, jesting Karen!) and Bring. It. On. I wanna be sick up the walls and in your face. If any of you care to join me, I’ll be rolling round on the floor laughing at my own witty remarks, or because I’ve thrown a peanut at your face. Nighty night children! Sleep tight! xxx

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